undecided://

racheldou — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 01:00:13 +0000

i suppose listening to another and remembering the past saddens me. that time was terrible. when i was trapped in this circle of shit, and no one else could get me out except for the person who held the key. but of course, the key was not given to me. i was angry. that was natural aint it? i mean, trust is one thing and betrayal the next. but i knew no one could take me out of the funk. and so i moulded my own key. it took a while, i was so angry but it was masked by passion and perhaps mere intrigue. but as she rightly put it, “i had issues.” i certainly did.

took me a subsequent 5 months to unlock the trapping doors to reveal my freedom. and guess what?

ive never looked back.

Blah, I miss th…

racheldou — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 22:06:12 +0000

Blah, I miss the assholes back home.

….

racheldou — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 15:58:59 +0000

tired of talking about grades, of school and of university. tired of being talked down upon by mother, tired of hearing how ill just be “decent” as a bar student. im tired of settling with second best. why should i settle with being mediocre all my life? why cant people see that there are other ways to succeed, not merely power and money. and to think otherwise is taboo here, in singapore. i screwed up MY own life? CMON the bloody thing was one year ago. why cant someone forget about it already. WHY do i need to make YOU proud when its my future? and my consequences to bear? why are you so selfish and yet so generous at the same time? why am i still in this bloody rat race? im glad to be out, but why does leaving make me any less effective? am i doomed to failure?

im not gonna be mediocre all my life.

maybe i need a religion. maybe im just going against fate and the will of God.

i dont know, i dont know what i want anymore….. ARGHH!

racheldou — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 12:49:21 +0000

it only begins like this when im old and dead and sorry. the feeling of losing everything and not reaching your peak is scary.

i just dont want to die regreting, if you realise.

maybe i wont stay here.

homecoming

racheldou — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 02:45:32 +0000

some things need to be experienced before a full hearing can be done. one does not get charged before one commits the crime.

those metaphors actually make no sense, but me trying to sound sophisticated.

solitude makes you realise who you love, and who you rely on. appreciation is one thing, and freedoms another. to lose freedom is to obtain love but to lose love is to obtain freedom. a totally free person has no affection from anyone and needs to separate his or herself from material wants and needs. i dont want these material wants, but i appreciate friendship and kinship, for without them i cannot feel the world.

sometimes, an emotional impetus and i want to fall down into the deep darkness of loneliness, without those who taught me enough back home, those i worry for back home. love is love, never felt so intensely before. i miss so many people, not that i dont look forward to my new experiences now. its times like these when you really want to tell them how much you care but you just cant.

an emotional shotgun through me.

nevertheless, new love is formed here.

and im going home.

racheldou — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 20:49:09 +0000

still studying english. blah. blah. boring but necessary.

4 more days

racheldou — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:36:24 +0000

tomorrows the first day of reckoning.

then id have another module down, and
a step closer to uni……

wish me luck, i hope i remember everything ive studied and nothing obscure comes up.

4 more days till im homeeee

almost home :)

racheldou — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:37:22 +0000

finished my second round of studying. my last round of revision should commence in five minutes i suppose.

this is discipline ive never reached before, wow never thought i could be THIS disciplined.but i supposed im going through a different race this time.

exams this week, part of me really wants to get this over and done with, another part of me wants a little more time. but im leaning towards the former, thats a good thing right? it should mean im feeling increasingly ready.

whatever it is, wish me all the best. if i could have 2weeks to myself in london, ill go around the place, travel! watch musicals and plays. )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) visit the museums, walk in the park. londons the best place to walk around with a friend – trust me, ive done that.

ah back to work. nights

racheldou — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 10:08:06 +0000

i really do need to wake up to study but give me some time to pen my thoughts down.

slutwalks happening in singapore and if i were home, id def have gone. i didnt realise how much debate it has causd though. was reading a few articles toc posted and the comments when i realised how some singaporeans actually see it to be a copycat idea, and how anything, that vaguely resonates the notion of “standing up for what you believe in” is terribly “western” and should be condemned.

i mean seriously, ive grown tired of singaporeans damning anything thats “western ideals”. while it is true that we wouldnt want to emulate certain aspects of western society blindly, we shouldnt dismiss something just because some other people in other parts of the world did it first. people should stop associating certain actions or ideals witj certain actions, after all, singaporeans, there are principles in the western system and mindset worth learning.

furthermore, im surprised at how many became so defensive when the term slutwalk came up… my word to them, it does not encourage people to become sluts. the objective is to encourage women to express their own feminity and be proud of it. i mean, its mindsets like these that make advertising in singapore bland and wit-less. the word “slut” is used merely as satire, please guys dont take it so seriously. its meant to make a point stronger.

done. now to work.

1 more week. :)

racheldou — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 23:42:21 +0000

lonely again, the night is silent. exams are next week. feeling a slight ambivalence. i love the solitude here, though i suppose ive gotten used to it. i miss everyone back home, but, funnily, i like how they are gone away. its true that you are different overseas.

if anything, ive grown alot more short tempered and less tolerant.

the lack of warmth here is disgusting, like figuratively and literally.